Too Much All the Time.

I'm in constant conflict over one thing, and that's for sure. When I lived in New York, I always complained that I was too wrapped up in the community I was a part of. My guy friends lived in Harlem, I lived in Carroll Gardens. My work was in East New York. SNL was at Rockefeller. I was walking, biking, and training all over the place to get where I needed to be, mostly to sustain human relationships that were important to me. I often said to my best friend, "I just need to live somewhere where I can BE, where I can CREATE, where I can find time alone!" I need to work at camp and just live in the Redwoods. Never saw it coming, but almost two years later, I work and live in the Redwood Forest at said camp. It is so difficult, but so rich and fulfilling. I'm a little bit of camp, a little bit of rock and roll, a little bit of everything else that makes me Erin. But living here hasn't given me any more time to be, create, or be alone. I rock climb. That's a community. My great deal of my friends live in Santa Cruz, so I commute to friendship, for the most part. I sometimes sit down right before bed and write, but I haven't painted anything but shelving in the past year. I try SO hard. I read (or listen on tape), I stay in shape, I think about making drastic dietary changes and then I go buy milkshakes or make cookies... and I make time for a lot of people. Even though my brain is full of ideas I never have time to put them to use. My life is the same in the Redwoods as it was in New York. The trees replace the towers, and the birds stand in for the sirens and bustlings. But my heart yearns for belonging in community, no matter how much I claim to be a 48% introvert. Now, I tell myself, if I could only hunker down and be antisocial for a little while, maybe I could get something done. But would inspiration remain? As long as I stay in touch, my ideas flow, and as long as my ideas flow, I don't have time to articulate them, to sell them, to share them in the way that I'd like to. Catch 22. Maybe I'll get the hang of things next week.

Reason #546.2 That I'm...

...getting married to this guy.


But I digress. I'm real excited about matrimony and being Mrs. Neckers. Also looking forward to the wedding, mostly because I get to be married at the end of it all (and I'm pretty sure I'm going to live through the stress). Also, I think it's going to be a really fun expression of Jeff and I- who we are as individuals and as a team. It's going to be a little bit eccentric, but that's alright (and "in vogue" these days).

This post isn't really about the wedding, except to announce that it will be fun to post pictures and DIY stuffs here at the end. It's mostly to say that I've decided for my own sanity (and to prevent every waking moment of my life to wedding planning) that I'm going to try to finish Les Miserables by the time I am wed. I'd also like to run my half marathon, but I'd rather commit to a sitting-on-my-duff activity based on my current over-frequent work-out schedule (running four days and then yoga-ing, climbing, dancing, or shredding the rest of the time).

Also,

If you follow my blog here (which is pretty dormant, but whatever) check out this blog for updates involving India:

http://chennaichai.blogspot.com/

I'll try to start making both blogs more interesting, I promise.

But seriously, I'm trying to go back to India and it's really important to me. That's all.

Dirty Dishes

I saw these guys for the first time at Terminal 5 and didn't care for them at all (although the fact that they were wearing sundresses was pretty entertaining).

Now this song speaks heavily to my heart, and Mr. McCauley is my favorite-rocker-who-can-open-a-beer-bottle-with-his-teeth (on the subject of teeth, he has a gold tooth). If I could describe him in two words I would say he was "uncharmingly charming," if that makes sense. No, I'm not crushing.

I give you "Dirty Dishes:"

And I cried all night
You created a stream and it flows forever
it's made of dreams that didn't come true
And I'm sorry, there's nothing more that I can do

When we get together
Take apart my fantasy
And we are done
We'll work on you
As we lie motionless, staring at the ceiling
Back turned up against the wall

And now I can barely see
Straight to the back of my skull
And i'm shivering all night long
Yes, my skin is clear and you can see what I'm thinking
I'm thinking hard about all the things I've been dreaming
I've been dreaming about you and only you

turn the land into waste
And bury it in parking lots
I'm constantly turned off
by the look of the flock
And it's turning in an hour from tonight
I've got nothing to look forward to
Cause I killed all the flowers

And that cold wind will blow
Tear the skin off your nose and you've got nothing to be grateful for
It's your list of wishing

It's some dirty dishes and you wanted more
And you got left, and it hurt
Oh but it could be worse
Yeah, things could be so much worse

Life feels heavy these days, but it could be a lot worse.

I Make.

Exercises in Donutry.

My favorite donut is a vanilla cake donut with pink cherry frosting from Winchell's.

Donuts were the only gluten-filled food that I had to say my "good-bye's" to. Of course, I cheat a lot. Like, pretty much every week at church. But if I could develop a PERFECT allergen-free donut, I would never have this problem again.

I got some donut pans in the mail today that I purchased with my tax refund (wooooo!). I took a basic donut recipe and substituted the flour for a blend of rice, coconut, and garbanzo flour... and a pinch of almond meal.

They turned out pretty great, although they still had eggs, another food I'm supposed to avoid. The glaze was probably the biggest flop. It's hard to make something sweet without sugar or dairy, DANGIT. Basically, I made a concoction out of rice flour, rice milk, coconut oil, vanilla, honey, and dried cherries. Not the worst thing ever, but as you can see from the last photo, it never really emulsified.


Here's to donuts.











"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" -Matt Groening

The Life.

I think that this is the life. I think that I am finally reconciled to the could-have-beens and the maybes and the oh whys. I think that regardless of the pangs of wonder or sorrow I feel sporadically that cause me to question my existence or my current place I am okay. And it is so lovely to be here.

I want this blog to become more of a merging of my old writing/thinking blog and this (my creative) blog. Indian blog will stay on its own (chennaichai.blogspot.com).

You'll be happy to know that I'm collecting copious amounts of bottles and cans for that. To get my sorry butt back to Chennai, that is. To see and teach children that make me feel alive.