Too Much All the Time.

I'm in constant conflict over one thing, and that's for sure. When I lived in New York, I always complained that I was too wrapped up in the community I was a part of. My guy friends lived in Harlem, I lived in Carroll Gardens. My work was in East New York. SNL was at Rockefeller. I was walking, biking, and training all over the place to get where I needed to be, mostly to sustain human relationships that were important to me. I often said to my best friend, "I just need to live somewhere where I can BE, where I can CREATE, where I can find time alone!" I need to work at camp and just live in the Redwoods. Never saw it coming, but almost two years later, I work and live in the Redwood Forest at said camp. It is so difficult, but so rich and fulfilling. I'm a little bit of camp, a little bit of rock and roll, a little bit of everything else that makes me Erin. But living here hasn't given me any more time to be, create, or be alone. I rock climb. That's a community. My great deal of my friends live in Santa Cruz, so I commute to friendship, for the most part. I sometimes sit down right before bed and write, but I haven't painted anything but shelving in the past year. I try SO hard. I read (or listen on tape), I stay in shape, I think about making drastic dietary changes and then I go buy milkshakes or make cookies... and I make time for a lot of people. Even though my brain is full of ideas I never have time to put them to use. My life is the same in the Redwoods as it was in New York. The trees replace the towers, and the birds stand in for the sirens and bustlings. But my heart yearns for belonging in community, no matter how much I claim to be a 48% introvert. Now, I tell myself, if I could only hunker down and be antisocial for a little while, maybe I could get something done. But would inspiration remain? As long as I stay in touch, my ideas flow, and as long as my ideas flow, I don't have time to articulate them, to sell them, to share them in the way that I'd like to. Catch 22. Maybe I'll get the hang of things next week.

Reason #546.2 That I'm...

...getting married to this guy.


But I digress. I'm real excited about matrimony and being Mrs. Neckers. Also looking forward to the wedding, mostly because I get to be married at the end of it all (and I'm pretty sure I'm going to live through the stress). Also, I think it's going to be a really fun expression of Jeff and I- who we are as individuals and as a team. It's going to be a little bit eccentric, but that's alright (and "in vogue" these days).

This post isn't really about the wedding, except to announce that it will be fun to post pictures and DIY stuffs here at the end. It's mostly to say that I've decided for my own sanity (and to prevent every waking moment of my life to wedding planning) that I'm going to try to finish Les Miserables by the time I am wed. I'd also like to run my half marathon, but I'd rather commit to a sitting-on-my-duff activity based on my current over-frequent work-out schedule (running four days and then yoga-ing, climbing, dancing, or shredding the rest of the time).

Also,

If you follow my blog here (which is pretty dormant, but whatever) check out this blog for updates involving India:

http://chennaichai.blogspot.com/

I'll try to start making both blogs more interesting, I promise.

But seriously, I'm trying to go back to India and it's really important to me. That's all.

Dirty Dishes

I saw these guys for the first time at Terminal 5 and didn't care for them at all (although the fact that they were wearing sundresses was pretty entertaining).

Now this song speaks heavily to my heart, and Mr. McCauley is my favorite-rocker-who-can-open-a-beer-bottle-with-his-teeth (on the subject of teeth, he has a gold tooth). If I could describe him in two words I would say he was "uncharmingly charming," if that makes sense. No, I'm not crushing.

I give you "Dirty Dishes:"

And I cried all night
You created a stream and it flows forever
it's made of dreams that didn't come true
And I'm sorry, there's nothing more that I can do

When we get together
Take apart my fantasy
And we are done
We'll work on you
As we lie motionless, staring at the ceiling
Back turned up against the wall

And now I can barely see
Straight to the back of my skull
And i'm shivering all night long
Yes, my skin is clear and you can see what I'm thinking
I'm thinking hard about all the things I've been dreaming
I've been dreaming about you and only you

turn the land into waste
And bury it in parking lots
I'm constantly turned off
by the look of the flock
And it's turning in an hour from tonight
I've got nothing to look forward to
Cause I killed all the flowers

And that cold wind will blow
Tear the skin off your nose and you've got nothing to be grateful for
It's your list of wishing

It's some dirty dishes and you wanted more
And you got left, and it hurt
Oh but it could be worse
Yeah, things could be so much worse

Life feels heavy these days, but it could be a lot worse.

I Make.

Exercises in Donutry.

My favorite donut is a vanilla cake donut with pink cherry frosting from Winchell's.

Donuts were the only gluten-filled food that I had to say my "good-bye's" to. Of course, I cheat a lot. Like, pretty much every week at church. But if I could develop a PERFECT allergen-free donut, I would never have this problem again.

I got some donut pans in the mail today that I purchased with my tax refund (wooooo!). I took a basic donut recipe and substituted the flour for a blend of rice, coconut, and garbanzo flour... and a pinch of almond meal.

They turned out pretty great, although they still had eggs, another food I'm supposed to avoid. The glaze was probably the biggest flop. It's hard to make something sweet without sugar or dairy, DANGIT. Basically, I made a concoction out of rice flour, rice milk, coconut oil, vanilla, honey, and dried cherries. Not the worst thing ever, but as you can see from the last photo, it never really emulsified.


Here's to donuts.











"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" -Matt Groening

The Life.

I think that this is the life. I think that I am finally reconciled to the could-have-beens and the maybes and the oh whys. I think that regardless of the pangs of wonder or sorrow I feel sporadically that cause me to question my existence or my current place I am okay. And it is so lovely to be here.

I want this blog to become more of a merging of my old writing/thinking blog and this (my creative) blog. Indian blog will stay on its own (chennaichai.blogspot.com).

You'll be happy to know that I'm collecting copious amounts of bottles and cans for that. To get my sorry butt back to Chennai, that is. To see and teach children that make me feel alive.

I made a dollar with Taylor not-even-trying-to-busk in Capitola while we were practicing music. If made it all feel worthwhile in a strange way, even though the music I create is ultimately just my own, personal, creative process.

But sure, if you want me to record an album and open for Sufjan Stevens on his next tour I'd be glad to.

Aside from that, today was simply a series of thought-provoking events on creativity, including but not limited to:
-The conversation that I had with someone in which I was asked about my recent work and challenged to invite people to any open mikes I play at (which I don't do).
-The interview I listened to of Jonathan Saffran Foer on "Everything is Illuminated" on tape. He wowed me with what inspires him (he basically said, "Art- no, just life really, I'm a normal human being") and that he was raised on television but still managed to discover that the medium in which he best expresses his inner thoughts is writing.
-The "busking" in Capitola. A lady came up to us and asked us to play her some nice songs and then went on to explain that she was on her way to rehab. Whew. To interact with a stranger and comfort them with a song or word is such a lovely thing!

"Jesus is Still Alright with Me." -DC Talk.

But seriously. The man loves you.

A VERY NICE, VERY CREATIVE GIFT.

From a VERY creative person. I figured I'd share it here. For Christmas, by boyfriend and I made each other hand-made gifts. He recovered a cookbook for me (and adhered a spoon to it!) and designed three great little notebooks with some of my favorite song lyrics on them. Just saying. Definitely worthy of being featured on this blog.

Family.

Thursday, October 28th. LazypantsUSA. A dream I had- poorly interpreted.



Friday, October 29th. Chelbell.



Saturday, October 30th. OchoOchoOcho!



Sunday, October 31st. Boo.



Monday, November 1st.



Tuesday, November 2nd. Small group.



Wednesday, November 3rd.



Thursday, November 4th.

Photo-A-Day.

Thursday, October 21st


Friday, October 22nd


Saturday, October 23rd


Sunday, October 24th


Monday, October 25th


Tuesday, October 26th


Wednesday, October 27th


Week One. This was harder than anticipated.

Photo-A-Day Keeps Forgetting Away.

Or maybe not.

Anyway, I've been wanting to do this project for awhile.

I always come up with excuses not to take my camera places. The past few years have been a really uninspiring time for me in terms of photography. Actually, once I purchased a digital SLR it all went down from there. Prior to that, I had a point-and-shoot digital and I had played around with my parents' old AE-1 SLR. At some point after investing in an expensive camera, I began to feel disillusioned with my purpose as a photographer. Watching everyone around me taking pictures all the time was disheartening because I started to see how snapping a picture can distract from a memory. Does smiling falsely with a group of friends really capture a moment? Will the sunset ever really look as beautiful in pixel-form as it does to the human eye? Why take a picture that the five people are capturing right at this moment and will subsequently load to Facebook as soon as they get home?

As much as I have these thoughts, I really do want to see my life documented. Not in excess, but perhaps in one snapshot a day.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm on day two. On day seven I'll edit and upload my pictures. I'm still deciding if I should only commit to taking a single picture per day (so if it doesn't turn out, I have to treat it as if I took it with a film camera) or I can take a few pictures and pick the favorite, deleting the rest. I'm also thinking about assigning a "theme" to each week. Maybe a word or an idea. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just focus on life as I know it.

Look at it.

Holy crap.

So I had this dream that I saw the moon set and it was HUGE (if anyone wants to interpret this please proceed). I didn't see the sun in my dream but I know that when it rose it was normal. The moon was CRAZY though. I could see all of its textured valleys and craters behind a silhouette of black trees on a hill.

I want to draw my dream now, so I've been studying the moon a bit (online, and outside just for funsies). As my friend Liz would say, "I'm buggin'" (Liz wishes she was Liv Tyler in the 90's, which is one reason of many that I love her so much). Looking at the moon this close makes me wonder if we were ever intended to see it so closely (thank you, science and industry). I don't know how to process the intricacy and perfection of nature- let alone draw it.

In other news, I had a pretty flawless conversation on the phone with a robot from AT & T today. That was awesome.

Buttons in the Ground.

Shameless plug for a friend who I believe in.

My friend Andrew just told me that he's working on a film called "Buttons in the Ground". One of the first times I connected to Andrew was when we were in college and I walked by his room on the way to visit another friend. As I passed his room, I stopped dead in my tracks because I noticed something AWESOME on his wall. He had painted a gigantic action shot of his roommate Gabe on a hand-made canvas in high contrast black-and-white (with some bright color as an accent). I picked his brain extensively about it that day, and even tried to replicate it at one point. I think it was around our senior year that Andrew produced a film called "My Suburban Tea." This is probably my favorite student film that came out of Biola University. I think it's brilliant, especially in lieu of the fact that he and his crew had 48 hours to write and execute the ENTIRE thing.

This is that one. Bloody brilliant.



So there's that. Now, here's this.

http://www.buttonsintheground.com/

This is the new film that Andrew is directing with a few other friends I went to school with. It has SO MUCH potential to be incredible! Help them by donating to Kickstarter before October 18th. They need a lot of funds to back this film. If you can't give money, and you live in Southern California, consider donating goods for them to use in the set production. Specific needs are listed on the film's website.

Help this project to thrive.

This Inspires Me to the MAXIZZLE.

I was looking up School House Rock videos and I discovered these jems. Jazzy Spies. I think this was before my time. I love the colors, patterns, concepts, and action in each of these videos (they have them for numbers 1-10). I guess what I'm trying to say is I love everything about them.

I'll Find Something to Put Here.

I love the work I do at work (in the Kitchen). I wouldn't be there if I didn't like it. I'm not really a "foodie" or aspiring chef or anything like that- but I'm passionate about the camp I work at and it's ministry and purpose. The other day I explained this to a dear friend as we were lobbing juicy, disgusting bags of trash into a dumpster at camp. If I did this at any of my past places of work, I wouldn't have lasted long (generally, I didn't). At camp, I'm (90%) immune to trash juice, crazy people, and the general intensity of the job. In edition, Christ is my strength- but that's a whole different edition. I don't think that I can give God's goodness any justice in writing right now- just put that in your pocket. In my life, God has been good by changing my heart and reinforcing me with patience and perseverance in all situations.

So, I love what I do. I already said that.

I recently got commissioned to paint a piece for the youth group I just started volunteering with. In fact, when I was in the middle of my "interview," the high school pastor suddenly changed the subject from whatever we had been talking about, saying (and I paraphrase, for I seldom remember a quote), "say, you don't happen to be artistic, do you?"

For one of the first times in my life I answered this question without hesitation: "Yes."

From that point, it was history. I started getting too many ideas (as usual) and emailing my friend who works with the youth group every hour on the hour with some kind of commentary about the project. Poor guy.

I've probably put in 10 hours, and I'm nowhere near being finished. But honestly, I'm happy as a clam. Like, really happy. The only time I feel like this happens to me is when I'm inspired to create. There have been so many instances in my life where I've had a project idea or an opportunity to beautify something. These have been the times when my brain goes crazy (in a good way) and I feel a strong sense of purpose in what I'm doing.

God created me and everything else. As I was painting the other day I realized in my creativity, God's attribute of creativity is bleeding into everything I do. It's kind of like I'm Alex Mack and that chemical (whatever it was) is pumping through my veins and gives me some kind of silly side-effect like powers (okay, stupid analogy). And if his creativity (which I see all around me) is a million times more concentrated and, well, creative- how can I not be excited to do what I do best? It's from God, and it is God.

Book Cover.

I made a cloth cover for my honking big ESV Study Bible. I figure it's a good way to get in to my arting and crafting post camp. My project for fall is a stop-motion film, so I figured I'd start small.

Side note: I'm so excited to have a new computer. I've been without for about five months and it's been totally fine. But man, nothing beats a new laptop that has Photobooth. Small victories.

5-500.

So, Five to Five Hundred, the project that my buddy started up is off the ground and on a blog. Here be the link: http://fivefivehundred.wordpress.com/. I'm proud to say that I've posted a story every week, save one. That week was crazy. It's really challenging and enjoyable to write with constraints, I say. If you're interested in joining us, feel free to do so!